8/21/2003

keep trudging

   Let me first say that I am not looking for answers to this post. This is simply a reflection of the state of my heart concerning what is happening in my life at this time. I am struggling, I am getting very frustrated with my job situation. Yes I am thankful for this job, as way of God's providing for my needs. But I am really fed up with what goes on here. I thought the church was gossip central ! Bull...hay around a dealership for a day or two. Everybody talks crap about everybody. I try not to get mixed in it, but sometimes I fail. I talk crap too, I get angry, I get sick of the crap and express it to others. Last night I was talking to some friends about my situation. I told them, "I feel, sometimes, like God set me up. I mean since I was saved, at 15, I knew I was called into ministry. So I "put all my eggs in one basket." I went to bible college, started a youth group, learned guitar, focused on my intimacy with Christ, graduated college, took over another youth group, lead worship, got married...and now I am working for VW. I said to myself, "If I try to learn a trade or a skill, outside of those for "full-time" ministry it would be a sign of doubt in God's call." Now I think it was more of ignorance on my part. I should've stayed at bible college and learned computers or website building...but there was no time. Most of the time outside of the class I was "doing the work of the ministry." Well alot of the time at least, I did have friends. Maybe I did Just what He wanted, and He is just testing me now....well I really am tired of being tested on this crap. Go ahead call me Jonah "the complainer" at least I am honest. I really just wanted to do what God wants from me, but I am not sure of what that is anymore....I used to have at least the basic guidelines....to what I thought was His will. Not anymore, now I am totally unsure of what I will do for the rest of my life, not that anyone really knows, but most have a clue. Right now I don't.

you

hey you

   I am really curious. I have someone that visits my site almost daily....in the morning. They work at or for saskatoon health region. Is this you ? Do I know you ? Are you my friend. It's too late I already see you...please tell me who you are.

what ?

    I just found out here that I write like girl. I think I am going to cry and eat a pint of ice cream, while I wear sweatpants.